OK nighty-night.
So JJ of course was fast to sleep. I layed there and layed there. My brain started spinning. Again, I thought of Lydia...I thought of Kelly...I thought of Linda. I thought of the survivors I have met...Kaye, Erica, Patsy, Pamela, Becky, Sue, Carrie, Carey, Trap, Sharon, Ruth...I thought of the moment 2 years ago when I was told I had ovarian cancer. I thought of how hard it must have been for my husband to hear the very same words. And how hard it must of been for him to tell my friends and family and how brave he was to take on that responsibility. I thought of what a coward I was for not being able to do it. It hurts me to know I never allowed myself to 'feel' anything. I thought about JJ and I talking it over...you know, the whole having kids thing...and I remember us thinking we had come to a decision on our own. But later realizing God made that decision for us and thankfully guided our thoughts and feelings. I thought about never being able to bare children. I thought about never being able to 'feel' what it's like to be pregnant...never feeling a kick...or the pain/joy of giving birth. I thought what great parents JJ and I would make but what if we are never ready...would we ever be parents? I remember thinking...are you freaking kidding me right now...God seriously? Now? This hits me now? I have to be well rested and this shit hits me now...So, I thought, well I guess this is meant to be so I just cried it out. Oh how quickly that 2 hours went by. I hear the footsteps and they can only mean one thing. It was Flora. He was coming to wake us. So I have not gotten the extra 2 hours of much needed sleep and I have been crying. So add emotionally exhausted to just plain exhausted. So we get up...and by get up I don't physically mean standing...don't forget, we are in a tent. It's cold. Bring on the layers. Oh and I almost forgot the toe warmers and hand warmers. Dang it, I can't find my base layer of gloves. Oh well, one pair it is. I have our packs light....but I did add flashlights, camera, camcorder and energy foods in addition to our water. We go to the dining tent for cookies or something. I ate an energy bar...something stacked full of protein. Joseph, one of the main guides and Flora were gonna start with us. So...it's time.
We start walking...well, Joseph took my pack before we even began. I guess it's a good thing but it also takes my easy access to my water. We have headlamps on. It's dark. You can see an endless amount of stars. It was almost as if we were in space. Hmmm, stupid toe warmers aren't really working...wth? So we walk...and walk....and walk. As we are walking, I remember asking Joseph a lot of questions. He told me to save my breath. We continuously increase in altitude. We were taking our time...POLE POLE. We took breaks as needed. I kept looking back wondering when the others (by others I mean our group but also the rest of the hikers) would start. It wasn't long before I started to see other headlamps. I wondered how long it would be before they caught up to us. About 2 hours into our hike, Mickey, Lisa, Benjy, Arinn, Macon and the rest of the guides caught up to us. We had already been passed by a handful or so of other hikers. They passed by, we chatted for a minute and I remember Benjy saying he didn't feel that great. But they went on ahead. I thought for a moment we could keep up, but I just couldn't keep the pace...even though they were walking slow too. Someone came back and told JJ he needed to go with the other group. It all happened so fast...what the heck is going on here...they were splitting us up. Joseph stayed with me. JJ was hesitant to leave but I said...hey, we'll meet at Gillman's Peak (that is the 1st summit you come to). So we kissed and parted ways.
I don't remember a lot...I think I zoned out. I remember being COLD...so cold. I had my face covered with this fleece thing but would uncover so I could breath as much fresh air as I could. I thought it might help me acclimate better. Joseph stopped and got my hand warmers out of my pack and opened them for me. Stupid toe warmers were a wash...totally didn't work. Oh my gosh, my feet are so cold. As we increased in altitude the breaks became more frequent...I couldn't breathe. I remember it being so dark. Dark can be scary...because of the unknown. So many people had passed us. But as I looked back...down...I noticed so many more behind us. Some of the headlamps were so far away that they too looked like little stars. Then your mind starts going all over the place. This is where she, Kili, gets you. My feet are so cold...what if I have frostbite? I know that seems extreme but I have never had frostbite. Would I know if I had it? Should I keep going? Is this worth losing toes? I know what you are thinking because I thought the same thing. It was like the Angel on one shoulder and the Devil on the other. Angel saying you can do it and the devil saying you should stop it's not worth it. They both make perfect sense...who do you listen to? I remember just talking to God. I don't really remember what we talked about. But I remembered when I was diagnosed and people telling me they would pray for me...I could literally feel hands on me as if people were actually with me and praying over me. It was an amazing feeling. During this journey...after being separated from JJ...I had Joseph, who spoke some English and God. I Remember feeling very one with God. Some of you don't know that I have been on a quest to discover my own spirituality since being diagnosed. I was raised to believe certain things but have come to appreciate other values and I have really tried to find my own way. Again, we were hiking while taking MANY breaks. I just could not catch my breathe. I felt nausea, I had a headache...a mild one. I took an aspirin. At one point, Joseph started to pull me. I couldn't even muster the strength up to allow him to pull me. I welcomed the break I got when people would pass us on the trail. We stopped at one point and I forced half of a power bar down. I couldn't feel my feet. I remember the face of the guy at REI popping in my head who talked me out of buying the heavy weight socks. I might've wished a bad day on him. I remember wishing for daylight. I prayed for it. I thought if daylight could just come then it would be a sign that we were closer. I had no idea what time it was. I had no idea how far ahead JJ was. I was so exhausted. I remember thinking...I might not make it....I MIGHT NOT MAKE IT. What if I don't make it...WHAT IF I DON'T MAKE IT...would people understand? But then I would think of the doubters...the people who never said it to my face but I knew they thought it...those who thought I would never make it. I wanted more than anything to prove them wrong. Did I actually think I would make it? I wanted to prove to myself I could do it. We took a break and it was still dark. Chemo took so much from me. You don't realize how hard it is to want to do something, know that you can do it, but physically unable to do it. This isn't just with chemo but with any life change or physical change to your body. We were breaking yet again. And I remember Joseph being kind of frustrated but still being so kind. But he told me "I don't think you are going to make it". I asked him how much further it was to the 1st summit and he told me 1 hour and a 1/2. I said: "I can do it! I can find the strength to that" Oh my goodness, we started walking again, and I just cried. This was the 1st person that told me out loud I might not be able to do this. He was so honest. I wasn't mad at him, just sad. I wanted JJ. I wanted my group. I wanted to hear cheers that I could do it. I needed someone to be my cheerleader and push me along. And then it hit me...THIS IS EXACTLY EVERYTHING I FELT GOING THROUGH CHEMOTHERAPY...EVERY BIT. I got through that. What the Hell? Cancer did not take me down. Chemotherapy did not take me down. And this f'in moutain isn't gonna take me down. I don't care if I have to take 100 more breaks...I am gonna make it to the top!!! I am meant to be here. This is my story...every bit of it...sweat and tears...it is my battle. Because I didn't have my cheerleaders and really needed some encouragement...I needed God's help, His mercy, His Strength...I asked Joseph (who was a Christian) to sing or hum gospel songs. And he did. I have no idea what he hummed but I could feel God's presence. I prayed to Him to give me the strength of Lydia...the strength of Kelly...the strength of Linda. I prayed for my girls who had survived cancer...I prayed for their strength. And then it was daylight. And then I stopped with another hiker having trouble and we shared some black tea with honey and lemons. I remember there were 5 of us that kept passing one another...each with our own reasoning...our own story...our own motivation. We talked to one another. We were each other's cheerleaders. And then...the summit was within reach. I was happy...no more tears. I wanted more than ever to see JJ...the thought of it made me cry but with joyful tears. So it's one more BIG step and then we are there. I remember taking the final step with a guy. I said to him...let's finish this...
I know you can't tell by this photo but look for a zigzag trail. You can't even see our camp from here.
Oh...by the way...I am looking down from Gilman's Point. I made it. It was a small area and I found a spot to collapse. No JJ. One would think I would be picture happy. But I wasn't. All I could think about was sitting down. I knew JJ had gone on without me. I was sitting there for like 5-10 minutes and then I saw him. He was coming back from the final summit. We hugged...embraced one another and cried and cried. He told me he was sorry he left and would never do that again. We then chatted about our our individual experiences. He told me Benjy was so sick but still made it. I though about going further. But JJ told me he didn't have it in him to do it again. He said never once did he ever doubt he would make it until the final leg of the hike. Somehow going on to the next summit didn't mean as much if I didn't have JJ to share it with. I saw Mickey and Lisa and hugged and congratulated them. I saw Benjy and Arinn and we hugged. I remember hugging Benjy and just crying. I thought what a trooper to have been so sick and still do it. And then the other part of the group came up...the Climb for Water group...Karey, Kraig, Tasha and Scott. And one of them said...it's because of you I made it. I cried even more. Everyone wanted me to continue on to the final summit. I asked my self if I could really do it. I Was told it would be another 3-6 hour hike. In addition to that, you have to hike down the mountain that just took me 9 hours to hike up...in addition to that, we had to move to another camp that was like 4-5 hours...all in the same day. So what did I decide?
I stopped at Gillman's Point (pictured above is JJ, me and Joseph). If cancer taught me anything, it taught me to listen to my body. I mean, 2 years after my surgery, I just did this amazing thing that tested every part of my body...as did chemo. For me...I did it. I summited the mountain I was meant to summit. It wasn't worth doing damage or falling over to exhaustion. I DID IT! Now, at the same time I thought I would totally take all these pictures...but I just didn't. I could not think. I don't know what was going through my head. Just taking it all in...taking in what the hell I just accomplished. I want to apologize to Morphotek and OVA1...I had big plans for all your stuff on top of the mountain...but my mind was taken elsewhere when one of the guys I was climbing with at the end literally almost passed out from exhaustion. We were pumping all these energy chews I had in his mouth and praying he would be OK.
My husband and my friends all made the final trek and all summited the tallest part...Uhuru Peak and on National Teal Day. That made me think...that is what friends and family do. When you are going through a tough time like chemo, they step in and help you out or do things for you that you just can't do. I mean, they did it for themselves too...but you know what I'm saying.
Congrats you guys! Forever friends from this experience. See you all in 2013:):)!!!!!!
So stay tuned...more to come from our hike as we come down the mountain and work our way out...
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